One small step for man…..
Last modified on 2012-03-14 17:59:24 GMT. 6 comments. Top.
So that picture might look a little extreme but well it’s my reality. I am obese and as hard as that is to say it much harder to live it. As some of you know last year from June to October I lost 90 pounds on the HCG diet. I went off the diet and just struggled to get back on it ever since, and when I say struggled I mean struggled!!! Almost every week since then has been my “last week” before my diet starts and in that week I would eat any and everything only do the same thing the following week.
I watched a special on (I think ) Discovery Channel a couple of years ago that discussed sugar as an addiction and in that episode it said that a sugar addiction releases the same endorphin’s or chemicals (something!!) in your brain that Heroin does. Well I have used that show to try to explain that it’s an addiction and it’s hard to control to people but never really thought about it like I should have. After losing weight and feeling that euphoria that comes along with personal success and just noticing the difference in how my energy and body felt while losing the weight to stopping and then eating crap (as I call it!) again it opened my eyes to the seriousness of what I was doing. Addiction is an appropriate term and just like any addict on any drug when you go off and relapse it hits harder the second time and boy did it hit me. I have felt so tired and sluggish and my attitude changed as well. I no longer felt victorious but discouraged and ashamed. Ashamed because I am someone who takes great pride in putting my mind to something and making it happen and working very hard toward goals- I am very goal oriented BUT my weight is something I have NEVER been able to conquer- and for the first time I felt like I was in charge and winning the battle and then just like that the control was gone (and anyone that knows me knows I like control!!! lol!) Instead of happy thoughts about clothes I can fit into soon or how I can actually play with my kids now my thoughts are consumed with food and food alone! It has taken back over my life and has a tighter grip then ever before! I feel like I have to EVERYDAY eat something sweet or I as silly as this sounds I didn’t feel complete for the day. And when I say something sweet I’m talking like a pint of ice cream or I don’t know a half a batch of no bake cookies! I have been wanting to start the HCG Diet again because I am a believer in it for me and as I let January and February slip away day by day I realized March was doing the same!
I know from past experience that if I can make it through 2 weeks then the cravings will stop and the control will be mine again but 2 weeks?.. I was not able to get through one day!
One day without eating anything that was counter productive to my journey- one day! For those of you who don’t understand the power food has over you, you probable think that just sounds foolish and weak that I couldn’t make it through one day- and well… that’s exactly how I felt and there’s nothing that’s harder to live with than personal defeat- no one else to blame, no one but you looking back at you in the mirror everyday and it’s a hard pill to swallow!
One day is where is starts for me and well Monday started off so well and then stress hit me hard about 4pm and yes I did it I made some no bake cookies that didn’t even make it to the wax paper-I poured a big glass of milk and the biggest spoon I could find and for a few brief moments everything was right with the world- Food Calms me it’s my drug of choice and while some might have a glass of wine at the end of a long day to unwind my good friends Ben & Jerry help me with that!!
I say brief moments because that’s as long as it last and then the guilt sets in that you just ate that -but for those few moments it was worth it- But it’s not worth it, it’s so not worth it- I’m worth it though- I’m worth giving myself the opportunity to live the life I have always wanted to live and my size is absolutely without a doubt the biggest (no pun intended!) block on my road of life! It’s time I finished what I started in June and this time I need no peripheral vision-nothing can break my focus!!
I’m happy to report that yesterday I made it through a whole day and as small a victory as it is I am so happy about it because I know without that step I can’t take all the others steps that are needed to be successful. It was not easy- Thankfully I had a friend who popped in my house and stayed for 5 hours and then I spent 1 1/2 at the gym and went to bed early so I would stay out the kitchen and all along I was thinking about food!!
So here it is my first post on my weight loss journey- I hope that you stick around and help keep me on my toes as I am fighting for my life- I let it all hang out and have no shame you might see some pictures coming soon so thanks for following!!
Kylee
